I write this post (looong post, sorry) especially considering that you have your left a trace in my previous post. Thank you, really, I did not think ... I did not want anyone to grieve ... I'm embarrassed. Professional nurse and are performing services in a neonatal intensive care units in Rome. But this is not my passion is just my great compromise. A
20'anni I succumbed to the insistence of a father who for years has done nothing but ask me to do the course as a nurse. I did not want. I wanted to do something else.
boredom, because I had nothing else to do in the end I tried. Rationally speaking I could pretty well: do not faint at the sight of needles, blood does not bother me that much, I had no problems with dirty diapers. I liked, no I did not like, no passion or phrases "will become the nurse best in the world!" I had nothing else to do, that's all. In fact, over the course close the diploma in a drawer and I dedicate myself to something else.
My desire for independence, the head, rationality, lead me to choose to retrace my steps, "ok, I'll do the nurse and this will be my great compromise of life." And so a bit 'here before and a bit' after landing there in the neonatology department of the hospital there. "Just as long as I go, "I repeated," all in all it's nice to keep the berries from all of these babies ... "Come early in the vortex and the time passes. Two desired pregnancies one after the other they keep me away for almost 4 years. The return to work is devastating. I want a wife and mother! I lose what little motivation I have and more new service requirements in the neonatal intensive catapult me: total rejection. The emergency paralyzes me, not I know what I do, I feel a burden to her colleagues: turning the area into a monster fierce criticism from which to escape. cowardly, defeated by my own fears, I can not go back in neonatal critical but the monster is always within me, lying in wait. Then the collapse. First panic attacks, anxiety and insomnia after, a summer outside of the profession with the dismissal letter in the drawer. Thankfully never sent ... I ask for help from a specialist and together we make the point. Girl is time to return and face the monster ... but with my time. And so it happens. The first 'in October last year I choose to return to service. The first 'in October of this year I officially assigned to the section of neonatal intensive care. Flanked by a fellow tutor. I still tremble? Of course I tremble every time he crosses the threshold, an offering every time I open the incubator, each time a parent comes and asks you not to mention "as it is today, will do it?". I tremble for any alarm, for each drug to be prepared for any paper work to be completed. For every breath I do not remember how to be mounted. I tremble for any emergency that we face. Only now I do not shoot back. Not anymore. My monster is turning into a ... "Mostrilli. Companion of a new journey whose destination is not established. My great compromise, not my passion, not an act of admirable courage, just a gift. Unexpected. If I believed in God would say it is a grace received, if I were a fatalist would say that is my destiny. I do not know what it is. It is certain that at this time professionally speaking I could not be anywhere else I would not be me. Then tomorrow, who knows, the dismissal letter is still in the drawer.
Perciò, ricapitolando, non sono così coraggiosa o ammirevole per quello che faccio...
Mi sento un po' come Trilli che desiderava essere altro a dispetto del suo personale talento ( se non avete visto il film andatelo a vedere). Forse siamo in tanti come lei. L'unica differenza e che lei è il suo talento, senza possibilità di altra scelta. Noi scegliamo di poter essere il nostro talento e il nostro compromesso e fare in modo che l'uno alimenti l'altro, piano piano, passo passo.
Vi ho sufficientemente annoiate? Vabbè, Buonanotte!
Gabbi
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